Hello. Welcome back to my blog. I have been wanting to write this post for the past week or so, but have been too scared to sit and type. Why? Because it is going to, and already has, stirred emotions inside me that I’ve been subconsciously hiding/pushing aside. Please bear with me as I’m not sure how to even go about writing this. Growing up, cancer was just another disease word. I knew it was a terrible thing that negatively affected so many people all over the world, but I never had any personal connections with it. Well, that was until the fall of 2017. Since then, I feel like I just can’t catch a break from this disease as two loved ones have been diagnosed. Let me first talk about the man who lost his battle and I’ll end by talking about the one who is fighting today.
Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.
Vicki Harrison
Last September, my best friend’s dad, Mike, was diagnosed with stage 4 transitional cell carcinoma. The cancer seemed to be everywhere; his lungs, kidneys, and lymph nodes. The doctor said he had less than six months to live without treatment. I was shocked and devastated. How could such an incredible man, who has done nothing but spread God’s love, be diagnosed with such a deadly disease? I could not wrap my head around it and I still have troubles accepting this fact today. Mike was a second father to me. He let me crash numerous family vacations/holidays and I truly felt like a third daughter of the Ziemke family. God sure did bring our families together for a reason.
From September to May, things seemed to be going how anyone would expect the battle of cancer to go. Mike was fighting hard. However, May was the month when things seemed to take a turn for the worst. His body couldn’t catch a break. The hospital became his new home. If I could go back in time, I would have made more of an effort to visit him and the family during this time. I let my fear of seeing him in the hospital stop me from supporting my best friend. It was my first experience with any serious illness and I was honestly scared to see him during his final fighting moments. He didn’t look like the Mike I first met when I was thirteen. Syd and I have discussed this before, but the feeling of regret still creep into my mind.
Heaven gained an incredible man on June 21, 2018. I will never forget the moment I found out he had passed away. I worked at a church camp this summer and I happened to be counseling Jr. High ranch campers that week. It was a rainy morning with the horses when I received the call. I felt numb, but I also recognized my role as camp counselor. I waited until that afternoon to tell my campers what was going on and they provided me with so much comfort during that tough time. Mike will live in my heart forever. I think about him every single day and I strive to be half as loving towards others as he was.
Now, for the current cancer battle. My Uncle Jim was recently diagnosed with stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer. Unfortunately, the cancer has spread to his thoracic region of his spine, which has been causing tremendous pain. It is predicted that he has less than two years before the cancer takes him. I wish I could say more information, but it is still so new. My mom and grandma have been going to loads of doctor’s appointments with him. They’re still trying to figure out what his treatment is going to be. Jim’s condition is not good. He has lost at least 40 pounds since Christmas. He is a 6’1″ man weighing 124 pounds. How is this even physically possible?
This whole situation has been weighing heavy on my heart. I hate that I am not back in Nebraska during this difficult time. I would do anything to hug my family. Every ounce of my being knows that God wants me in New Orleans, but this doesn’t make things easier. The past week has been filled with sadness. The happy, joyful Ashtyn hasn’t been present very much. From the outside, it might look like nothing has changed, but I tend to be pretty good at putting on a mask. I don’t want to have a mask on any more. This is me. Sad, frustrated, and scared.
If you have any words or encouragement, feel free to share them in the comments. Not just for me, but for anyone else going through something. I believe God wants us to support and love one another; especially when hardships come. I know I can’t possibly be the only person going through something. If you have any prayer requests, please please please let me know! I would love to pray for you.
Until next time… ❤
Ashtyn Bratt 
This is so raw and such a great blog to express your feelings Ashtyn. I feel and have felt so many of the same feelings throughout my life. I lost my brother to leukemia when I was in 4th grade and he had just started 1st grade. Little did I know how much my parents held us up and taught us throughout his illness to prepare for his death. I am not sure if you ever are really prepared. I know our families strength I. god grew and would be my strength so many times after that. I lost both Grandparents to cancer (brain and breast). I lost my Dad to esophageal cancer 16 years ago and my Mom died just 6 years ago from omentum/ ovarian cancer. I have lost a son in law to brain cancer and my sister is a survivor of colorectal cancer. Lots of friends have struggled as well with cancer. Throughout all of them my faith is what has kept me sane and anchored. I feel like everyone views cancer, death and stress in their own way. Talking about my feelings has been my God send and has helped me realize my faith, friends and family are my all. You are never alone and there is always someone available when needed. Thank you for sharing Ashtyn.
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